Wednesday, October 12, 2016

With real equality boundaries will be respected

One of the most profound things for me to accept in the modern age with a thirst for true equality, including with gender issues, was the belief that gender has nothing to do with interest in sex. Which was to contradict prior training by society when growing up which stressed men as sexually interested with women needing to be pushed into sexual activity. But as a five year old child was actually sexually abused by two teenage girls who were baby-sitting will admit, as have long believed it better to talk out such things if can safely. So I knew different from a young age. Did tell my parents by the way should note.

Aiming to be more carefully personal in this post, as think is an opportunity to share information both useful and maybe continuing a catharsis for me begun years ago. I learned early to share such things, so have done so for decades.

When we get to true equality I think respecting boundaries is not about having to be specific to any of the divisive areas, as that IS equality when people respect the boundaries of others including physical boundaries so would not even think of abusing others.

I don't think abusers can respect boundaries AND engage in abuse.

And I think the reality is women facing the bulk of abuse often at the hands of men, but that's not the complete story. While focusing on respecting boundaries is simply human, and if done people can feel safe and be safe.

And societies are changing, as can understand better now my discomfort when watching movies where a male lead, presented as the hero, forces himself on a resisting woman, often with a kiss. And she melts in his arms as if rewarding the behavior! Of course that's fiction but consider the message.

There is a scary training where a pushy man forces himself upon a woman with the idea she needs to be conquered. Which is thankfully going out the window as unacceptable in our more modern society. Echoes of it are throughout older entertainment though. Or that a guy can say anything, lie or whatever to get a woman. Also echoes of that in fiction as well. I don't think that's ever funny.

Reality of mutual interest between adults of course is no force, and if accepted that gender is not an excuse, then is a matter of two adults interested in each other. Boundaries are not given exceptions in other areas, and the forward path is not to give a gender based excuse.

It is something for me at the age of 47, and never married to wonder a bit, but feel confident I made my own decisions as best I could. Still is worth noting that there were times with women where I realize now they could sense anxiety and distance, and not knowing the fear from past breaches of boundaries would get more sexually aggressive. Though usually would not and would drift away. The times women became more sexually aggressive, I think were about male stereotypes and thinking the easiest way to move forward if I were shielding myself was to push boundaries sexually more, which was the opposite.

Deep down guess wanted my anxiety recognized and accepted whether was understood or not. And feeling that someone feels you is so important so I don't think was wrong. I feel what I feel. Knowing someone is in touch with your feelings though is so HUGE, which would say, it will be ok, and you're safe with me.

As human beings feel can confidently state, we all have boundaries and all have a need to feel safe.

Sure people can test that, chase adventure and even danger, but everyone wants that safe spot somewhere, sometime in life.

It's rather basic really. And the more can focus on how to get there the better equality will be about a natural way of life. Nothing forced at all.

Maybe it can seem complicated, so I like to try to notice around me with the people who make me feel safe. With such people yes, can think about how they respect boundaries.

So I do believe, when we respect boundaries, we can simply be safe with each other.

Many of us have it really good in our times I think as vast amounts of information flowing where we can find relevant give us the option of knowing better than I was taught long ago, when women were presented as needing to be conquered.

The more we know about each other I firmly believe the better we know the boundaries that help all of us feel safe.


James Harris

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